CHILDHOOD ABUSE

"Sexual abuse is the most shaming of all abuse. It takes less sexual abuse than any other form of abuse to induce shame. Sexual abuse is widespread. It is estimated that there are currently some 60 million victims of sexual violence. Our awareness of this problem has grown tremendously over the last 30 years".

"In the past our understanding has been limited to a kind of horror story incest victim. Such stories involved physical- hands-on sexual abuse. Today we've greatly expanded our understanding of such abuse...Sexual abuse involves whole families and can be divided as follows:"

1. Physical Sexual Abuse

"This involves hands on touching in a sexual way. The range of abusive behaviors that are sexual include sexualized hugging or kissing; and kind of sexual touching or fondling; oral and anal sex; masturbation of the victim or forcing the victim to masturbate the offender; sexual intercourse".

2. Overt Sexual Abuse

"This involves voyeurism, and exhibitionism. This can be outside or inside the home. Parents often sexually abuse children through voyeurism and exhibitionism. The criteria for in-home voyeurism or exhibitionism is whether the parent is being sexually stimulated. Sometimes the parent may be so out of touch with their own sexuality that they are not aware of how sexual they are being. The child almost always has a kind of icky feeling about it."

3. Covert Sexual Abuse

Verbal
"This involves inappropriate sexual talking: Dad or any significant male calling women whores or cunts or objectified sexual names; or Mom or any significant female depreciating men in a sexual way. It also involves parents or caretakers having to know about every detail of one's private sexual life, asking questions about a child's sexual physiology or questioning for minute details about dates. Covert sexual abuse involves not receiving adequate sexual information".

Boundary Violation
"This involves children witnessing parents in sexual behavior. They may walk in on it frequently because their parents don't provide closed or locked doors. It also involves the children being allowed no privacy. They are walked in on in the bathroom. They are not taught to lock their doors or given permission to lock their doors.

The use of enemas at an early age can also be abusive in a way that leads to sexual dysfunction. The enemas can be a body boundary violation".

4. Emotional Sexual Abuse

"Emotional sexual abuse results from cross- generational bonding. I've spoken of enmeshment as a way that children take on the covert needs of a family system. It is very common for one or both parents in a dysfunctional marriage to bond inappropriately with one of their children. The parents in effect use the child to meet their emotional needs. The relationship can easily become sexualized and romanticized. The daughter may become Daddy's Little Princess, or the son may become Mom's Little Man. In both cases the child is being abandoned. The parents are getting their needs met at the expense of the child's needs. The child needs a parent not a spouse"

"Pia Mellody gives the following definition of emotional sexual abuse. She says that when "one parent has a relationship with the child that is more important than the relationship they have with their spouse, there is emotional sexual abuse"..."Whenever an adult is being sexual with a child, sexual abuse is going on".

HEALING SEXUAL ABUSE WOUNDS

The more often our boundaries have been violated in childhood, the greater difficulty we have differentiating ourselves from others and the more likely we'll become victims of continued sexual abuses. Blurred family boundaries in our... families cause us to feel stressed and confused when we try to identify our own limits and goals in relationships. We doubt our own rights in relationships. We feel unsure. That uncertainty and lack of self often leaves us even more vulnerable to sexual, physical and emotional attack from others.

All of us who have suffered multiple sexual assaults can be helped by directly confronting our sexual abuse. Fortunately, recovery doesn't have to take place alone. Sexual assault healing can include participating in self-help groups, Twelve-Step programs, and individual and/or group therapy. The kind of treatment we need and how long the healing takes depends largely on how much damage the abuse caused us.

Sue Saperstein, M.A., a therapist in private practice in San Francisco, California, says that to achieve sexual healing we need to learn to respect the child within us as 'innocent, powerless, and good.' She says, 'Acknowledging our good, innocent powerless child begins to help us shift our perspective from shame, guilt, and self-blame.'

Saperstein says that it's the child in us who was hurt. It is the adult who remembers. We must begin to separate from identifying with our abusive parents [or other abusers] and gradually develop a nurturing internal adult/child relationship. In other words, we must learn to be our own parent. 'This allows our self-hate,' Saperstein says 'to become self-love and allows us to nurture our bodies. It allows us to experience being loved. Sexuality then becomes a choice of being touched. Arousal becomes an experience of choice, rather than a response to aggression or internal betrayal. Arousal becomes centered in our own place of control rather than outside of ourselves. Sexuality, arousal, and choice then become empowering for us."

"Christine Courois suggests treatment goals for healing in her book, 'Healing the Incest Wound'. Although these goals were originally intended for incest survivors, we've adapted them to apply to all forms of sexual abuse. We've also added the treatment plan goals of others: Bass and Davis, and Eliana Gil. While some of the goals may not appear to relate directly to sexual healing, each of them can positively affect the development and maintenance of healthy, sexual-affectional relationships. For those of you abused sexually as children, sexual abuse therapy can:

Assist you to commit to the treatment process by offering hope and by encouraging you to envision a picture in which your actions can lead to realistic life changes.

1. Help you develop a supportive, therapeutic relationship with your therapist.
2. Guide you making contact with the vulnerable child within.
3. Help you acknowledge and believe your sexual abuse memories and experience(s).
4. Challenge minimizing and denial of past and present abusive behaviors.
5. Begin the process of breaking your isolation and low self-esteem
6. Help you recognize, label, and begin to express the full range of your feelings.
7. Confront your tendency to blame yourself and/or protect your abuser.
8. Assist you in learning to trust, feel safe, and reach out to others in forming healthy relationships.
9. Challenge the internalized negative beliefs about yourself.
10. Replacing them with positive affirming beliefs and less distorted ones.
11. Increase your ability to make changes in your life based on what you want and feel
12. Develop the development and expression of your spirituality and of your inherent creativity.
13. Teach you basic life skills in parenting, communication, decision-making, conflict resolution and boundary setting.

These goals take time, support, and patience to achieve. You can work on them in steps and stages at your own pace. Changes in one area of your life can indicate and support changes in other areas. The journey, while long, results in the development of a life to which you are entitled."

MAYUMARRI

Mayumarri welcomes anyone wanting to heal from the affects of childhood abuse. The only pre-requisite is that the person is determined to find the courage to heal. Having said that, Mayumarri is not a refuge or psychiatric hospital and it is not for anyone who is drug or alcohol dependant. Guests here need to be able to live in 'the community' of Mayumarri and be able to give and receive feedback. Mayumarri welcomes all people regardless of race, religion or sexual preference.

Mayumarri is a place where you are invited to find healing. It is set on 200 acres, 11 kilometres from Cessnock and the Hunter Valley and it offers seclusion, separation and safety. There are walking trails, bridle paths and a large dam for swimming.

Mayumarri believes in the holistic approach to healing and embraces the emotional, physical and spiritual aspects. Mayumarri offers a variety of programs - 5 day healing, parenting course and a children's program. It is staffed by Psychologists and volunteers (most of whom live on the property) and they themselves are survivors of Childhood abuse.

Adult accommodation is provided in western red cedar cabins with shared facilities like the one here on the left. Mayumarri really is a place of beauty. It tries to be as self sufficient as possible so visitors will be asked to work for two (2)hours each day doing self-chosen tasks. In this way the place can function without paid staff.

To check if a bed is available or to find out more about Mayumarri please ring them on 02 4990 9043 during business hours. By the way, Mayumarri is the aboriginal word for 'peace'

ASCA - ADVOCATES FOR SURVIVORS OF CHILD ABUSE

ASCA is an Australia based, nonprofit organisation dedicated to helping adult men and women come to terms with their childhood trauma. ASCA is a survivor-initiated organisation and was founded in 1995 by psychologist Dr Martha C. Dean, Pauline Groves, Liz Mullinar and Christopher Thomson. This painful legacy must be acknowledged, so those who are suffering can find inner peace and be supported in their recovery.

ASCA is for all people and recognises all forms of abuse as equally abhorrent. Our membership comprises those who have been neglected, and/or emotionally, sexually, spiritually, ritually, or physically abused. Our membership also includes therapists, health professionals, caring people, as well as partners and non-offending parents of survivors of abuse.

What ASCA Advocates:

- That child abuse affects everyone in some way.

• That all survivors have the right and potential to heal.
• That survivors are best healed by acknowledging the pain and true feelings about our abuse; that they are helped by validation from those who understand.
• That child abuse can occur in any situation where there is an imbalance of power, physical or emotional, and can be committed by a person who is either older or younger than the victim.
• That breaking the silence not only helps members to heal, but also helps other survivors as well.
• That traumatic amnesia is valid and they should be recognised within the context of the child's age. For healing, survivors need his / her interpretation of memories to be non-judgementally heard -- without invoking the issue of proof.
• That the advice it is better to just forget must not be tolerated. That any disclosure of child abuse must not be dismissed.
• That the assistance of appropriately trained professionals / counsellors should be made available to any child / person who reveals his / her abuse.
• That there must be an emphasis on ongoing education of medical professionals, therapists, social workers, youth workers, the church, teachers, police and legal professionals etc as to how survivors of abuse can most appropriately be helped.
• That Governments (State and Federal) have some responsibility to assist in the healing of survivors, and that the cost of therapeutic care by qualified professionals should be financially supported.
• That many health disorders, medically diagnosed as mental illness, have their origins in child abuse.
• That all survivors prepared to confront their perpetrators need support.
• That we believe the courage of those children and adults who have the opportunity to bring charges against their perpetrators be admired. We honour and support them.
• That the stigma often attached to disclosure of child abuse is unacceptable and organisations need to adopt codes of behaviours that prevent such discrimination.
• That the funding of counselling and other healing programmes for child abuse survivors is less costly to the community About ASCA Groups

We call our meetings self-help groups. We are on a healing journey with the loving support of others. At meetings, we respect each other's boundaries. We listen and hear each other without judgement. Our meetings are times for encouraging, validating and learning from each other and being there when needed.

We are trying to break the victim patterns. We embrace the moment while always acknowledging the truth of our past. This encourages us to experience the feelings and emotions which empower us to choose our future. Breaking our silence enables our healing.

ASCA contact details:
PO Box 141, Charlestown 2290
Phone: 02 4943 9905
Fax: 02 4943 9907
Email: asca@hunterlink.net.au

Website: http://www.asca.org.au

My Views On Healing From Sexual Abuse

A.J. Mahari recovered from BPD and has many brilliant articles like this at http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca

It is necessary to become very aware of the inter-relationship between past and present in order to grow and heal, in the here and now. When we were sexually abused we suffered to one degree or another a loss of self. This is an extremely profound and life altering loss. It must be realized, undenied, faced and grieved for. If not, then things won't change, they will continue the cycle.

Many survivors come from families in which there is much dysfunction, at times addictions, whether to food, alcohol and or drugs. Healing sexual abuse, unlike sexual abuse itself is not multi-generational. For it is only secrets that breathe, grow and thrive in the darkened corners of families.

A very major issue for survivors is that of boundaries. When one is so completely violated at a young age, at any age, for that matter, one is less aware if at all aware of one's right to individuation. One's sense of self and others is usually very blurred. So, in healing from sexual abuse it is vital to learn as much as one can about boundaries, their definition, how to institute them and equally as importantly, how to maintain them in such a way that enables the survivor to meet their own needs; as opposed to 'people-pleasing' and putting other's needs ahead of their own, all too often.

In healing from the scars, the deep woundedness of sexual abuse it is very helpful for each survivor to assess the foundation of all of their current strengths. In surviving the abuse and coming this far, and in looking to heal you are truly a strong person and you need to know this about yourself, and focus on your positives and not so much on the negatives.

In healing the self, one must first remember and feel what are or have often been very repressed memories. Giving healthy expression to these and letting them go in a process of grief and sadness is part of the over-all self-nurturing required to truly heal.

Healing is very much about self-nurturing and about meeting one's own needs. Often most of which have remained unmet since the time of the abuse in childhood. In terms of self-nurture and to that end getting in touch with one's own chosen vehicle of spirituality or spiritual expression will open up many parts or aspects of life that have been for so long lost to the survivor prior to healing. We can connect with our spiritual selves in many, many ways some of which include: organized religion, through an appreciation of nature, meditation, and philosophical study just to name a few.

We, as survivors must also affirm our right to healing. The use of positive self-affirmations, which is a cognitive approach that enables growth, change and healing can be very beneficial. Affirmations such as, 'I am worthy', 'I am deserve to feel good about myself' are a couple of examples of affirmations.

The final point to be made in terms of Healing the Sexual Assault Wound is that it is so possible to do so. Healing does take time. For many it takes a lot of hard work in therapy. It is vital that if you are just wading into your past, or just realizing what happened to you, that you know that you can heal!!! The wounded little children inside of us deserve as do we, the adults of today to be as fully functioning as emotionally and sexually experiential as we wish to be.

As I have continued to write about, and will continue to write about, Borderline Personality Disorder can be healed. You can recover. To recover you must get honest with yourself. Whatever you experienced as child, whether it was sexual or physical abuse, witnessing domestic abuse, not feeling or being loved, perceiving (or actually being) abandoned, physically or emotionally to not having your needs met - you must integrate those feelings with who you are today. You must take the young, immature aspects of your past experience that you are still dissociated from or still denying, feel them, express that pain in healthy and productive ways and then learn to make new choices with your emotions. Learning to make these new choices, which may at first seem impossible, will seem more possible once you begin to grow through the emotional maturation that you have so far been unable to because of what you have been holding on to from your past.

None of us choose to be sexually, physically or emotionally abused. We cannot choose the way in which our parents or caretakers take care of us and attempt to meet out needs. We cannot change the fact that many needs went unmet. However, when we become adults, personality disorder notwithstanding, we can MAKE CHOICES, NEW CHOICES, that will lead to new and better (healthier) results for us now and in the future. We can learn to meet our own needs. If we fail to do this as adults it is not anyone else's fault. It is up to each and every individual to choose wisely and in ways that enable you to meet your needs. Are you consciously choosing to meet your needs today? Are you choosing to take care of yourself? Do you want to get better? Getting better can be scary. Getting better means taking care of yourself. It means being honest with yourself and with others.