ANGER

By A.J. Mahari http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/ang.html

Anger is an explosive volcano shaking, churning, preparing to erupt. The boiling lava deep at its core, emotions that activate the aggravated, animated and annihilating rages of anger that are felt to the very core. Core of the earth, core of the soul, anger often appears when we least feel whole.

Unmet needs, unnutured child inside bobbing and weaving from the anger they are trying to hide. When I have needs I feel angry because I hurt very much and feeling needy triggers me back to so much of my past. Whenever I needed something when I was young I was punished, yelled at abused and left virtually alone. My needs were not met. I was treated worse than the average household pet. So how do I go about expressing and meeting those needs today when they hurt and that angers me in a very big way?

There are millions of less than positive ways that I have and do at times still try to meet those needs in a rather circuitous fashion. This only serves to see the anger build in me. Anger must be released for when we keep it inside it grows and grows into a mountainous volcanic beast.

For me, a lot of what seems to "make me angry" tends to do so because it hurts. The struggle seems to be about expectation the sense that when I expect something and it doesn't happen I can feel hurt. When I feel hurt I may feel extremely vulnerable. If I feel vulnerable, whether extreme or not; I am anger!

What is this powerful force inside. Where is it coming from and in the light of day where does it hide? Was "I anger" born out of abuse? Do "I anger" exist on my own? Do you ever feel like by anger you have been totally over thrown? "I anger" I love to build up as high as I can from the depths of your being. Interesting how on the surface it is only the depression you are seeing, wonder why? To me, "anger" you are closing your eyes.

Poor little child, so abused, torn, tattered and defiled. Poor little one still in the battle and the war has been fought and won. How do we reach deep down and bring the inner-child, or the ‘littles’ inside to the here and now? This is a process filled with grief and the little ones love to cry and cry and scream and scream to gain now, what was needed in the past, such precious relief.

Unmanaged anger is not a friend, however anger that is respected, validated and managed appropriately in the here and now is the fuel, the fire, the action seed. It is what tells us that we must do and attend to all that we need. Anger has always been a primary motivating force in my healing journey. Now that I am in touch with so much pain and grief, at so many different levels of self, contained in so many parts of self, I consider this anger to be a tremendous source of soulfully integrating wealth.

Anger felt and worked through as pain and loss gives us the energy flow to change and to grow, it is lightening, fertilizing our soul...enabling us to become more fully whole.

COPING WITH ANGER

Anger is probably the most poorly handled emotion in society. From time to time we all experience this very powerful feeling. Some of the common causes of anger include frustration, hurt, annoyance, disappointment, harassment, threats and all of those in a perceived state. It is helpful to realize that anger can be our friend or foe, depending on how we express it. Knowing how to recognize and express it appropriately can help us to reach goals, handle emergencies, solve problems and even protect our health. However, failure to recognize and understand our anger may lead to a variety of problems.

Some experts believe that suppressed anger is an underlying cause of both anxiety and depression. Anger that is not expressed can disrupt relationships, affect thinking and behavior patterns, and create a variety of physical problems, such as high blood pressure, heart problems, headaches, skin disorders, and digestive problems. What's even worse is the correlation between the dangers of uncontrolled anger and crime, emotional and physical abuse, and other violent behavior. Redford Williams, an internist and behavioral specialist at Duke University Medical Center has developed a 12-step program that can help people learn to deal with their angry emotions:

• Monitoring your cynical thoughts by maintaining a "personal journal." Look back at the past and see frequencies, possible situations the trigger reactions/emotions.
• Acknowledge any problems in coping with anger.
• Seek the support of important people in your life in coping with your feelings and in changing your behavior patterns. Support is a very important part of the process.
• By keeping your "personal journal" you are able to realize when and where you are having aggressive thoughts, so that when you find yourself in these situations, you can utilize such techniques as deep breathing, positive self-talk, or walking away which can help you interrupt the anger cycle.
• Put yourself in the other person's shoes. This will help you gain a different perspective to the situation. Keep in mind that we are all humans, subject to making mistakes.
• Learn how to laugh at yourself and see humor in situations.
• Learn how to relax. Although you may have heard that expressing anger is better than keeping it in, remember that frequent outbursts of anger are often counter-productive and may alienate others.
• It is also important that you practice trusting other people. It's usually easier to be angry than to trust, so by learning how to trust others you are less likely to direct your anger at them.
• Good listening skills improve communication and can facilitate trusting feelings between people. If trust is an issue with you then you have to work harder at it rather than expecting others to deal with your lack of trust. Having trust can help you deal with potentially hostile or fearful emotions reducing and possibly eliminating them.
• Learn how to assert yourself. This is a constructive alternative to aggression. When you find yourself angry at another person, try to explain to them what is bothering you about their behavior and why. Tell them how they are making you feel. It takes more words and effort to be assertive than it does to let your anger be shown to all but the rewards are worth it.
• If you live each day as if it were your last, you will realize that life is too short to get angry over everything. Sometimes you may wonder why such a situation didn't upset the other person and maybe it is a case that the other already realizes 'life is too short' - for whatever reason.
• Forgiving. Forgiving those who have angered you. By letting go of the resentment and relinquishing the goal of retribution you'll find the weight on your shoulders will lift.

ANGER MANAGEMENT

Like any other skill, managing Anger takes practice. The next time you get angry, try these approaches:

Make a clear statement: (Be specific.) I'm angry because..

Visualize yourself in the room with the person. Think about what you would like to say to them and then say what's on your mind.

Can the situation be changed or avoided in the future? If the answer is yes, think about how that can be accomplished. If the answer is no, work toward acceptance. Remember, you can't control other people's behavior, but you can control the way you respond.

Find a physical outlet for anger, such as exercise or housework.

Use relaxation techniques such as deep breathing exercises or going to that peaceful place of your own to relax.

Use positive self-talk: "I'm angry but I can get on with my life or my job."

Study your anger. "Why do I get angry at this?"

KEEP TRACK OF YOUR ANGER RESPONSE

What was it that triggered my anger...

How did it make you feel...

What worked this time, something I did well in this situation...

Something I could have done better...

DISCUSSING THE ISSUES

Choose a time to talk that is good for you and the other person. Maintain eye contact and a calm voice while talking.

Put yourself into the other person's shoes. Allow yourself to be "wrong" some of the time.

Avoid blaming. Don't attack them as that will close down the discussion. What you want to do is discuss 'this' issue now and not a list of other grievances you or they may have. Stick to the topic.

Use "I" statements: "I get angry when...". Blaming statements often start with "you": "YOU never..."

Seek professional assist if anger continues to be an issue for you.