POEMS, LETTERS & ART

The following oil on canvas paintings were created and brushed by Tina.

Boat	Drift
Pixel	Reflection
Fracture	Glass

PLEASE HEAR WHAT I'M NOT SAYING

Don't be fooled by me.

Don't be fooled by the face I wear.

For I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled. For God's sake, don't be fooled.

I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one. But don't believe me. My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask, ever varying and ever concealing.

Beneath lies no complacency.

Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness.

But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only hope and I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love. It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this, I don't dare, I'm afraid to. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh and your laugh would kill me. I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good, and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say.

I don't like to hide. I don't like to play superficial phony games. I want to stop playing them. I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me, but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings! With your power to touch me into feeling, you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that.

I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator -- a honest-to-God creator -- of the person that is me, if you choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely prison, if you choose to. Please choose to. Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you.

A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back. It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man, often I am irrational. I fight against the very thing that I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls, and in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet, and I am every woman you meet.

~ A recovering BP ~

THE BLACK TORNADO

Staying with me awhile,
My friend,
My enemy,
Darkness,
At my side,
Watching from the sidelines,
Of my life
Coming through,
When defences are low,
Overtaking,
Overruling,
My life
Like an old friend coming home,
It follows the candle,
In the window,
Of my soul,
Trapped beneath the layers,
Layers of defence,
Constructed through the pain,
Of that now lost child,
I never was
Sweeping through,
Turning things on high,
It distorts the images,
Of my mind,
Until what is real is forgotten,
As it controls my conscious mind,
Leaving me exhausted,
Watching the time
Minutes, and hours, days and weeks,
All melding into one,
Colossal heap
Of agony,
Of torture,
To the mind,
You cannot seek,
You cannot find
Pushing and pulling,
Tearing away,
That carefully constructed defence,
Surrounding my life
Forced control,
Turmoil within,
Looking without seeing,
Listening without hearing,
As the noise,
Roars in your mind
Overpowering,
The constant background noise,
As the darkness,
Enters through the cracks,
Seeping slowly,
To poison
It is deadly,
But it has a trick,
of putting up a front,
Of welcoming,
Of understanding your pain,
When all it wishes to do,
Is destroy you

Brenda 2003

FLAT

Flat.
Emotionless.
Unfeeling, uncaring.
What is the point?
There is no point.
Is there?
Why?
So flat.
What can I feel?
What don’t I feel?
Flat.
So flat.
What will happen now?

DEEP CHASM

Here, no more, time ticks.
Only a deep chasm of nothingness and darkness.
The hopeless loneliness of a lost soul
Caught in this unescapable torment of nothing.

Kate 2003

MY SON

My son now lost
Alas! Divorce cost
Be he to me won
My now elusive son
My only boy
My needed buoy
Oh! My eyes blurry
Ever floating flurry

JACKIE, MY WIFE

I see you so lovely and fair
Be so I bewitched
You beauty and love a flair
Be me with you hitched
May I marry you
Say you my life share
That you ever me carry
Who be else that care
Betrothed under full moon
May we in love fare
Our glorious honeymoon
Now be together dare
Now no common affair
Be we yonder and apart
To us ever be fair
Be my sobbing part

Mike 2003

IT DOESN’T INTEREST ME

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's deepest thoughts.

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.

I want to know the value within you not your materialistic possessions.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.

It doesn’t interest me what others tell you.

I want to know what you think, what you feel, what you desire, what your heart is telling you.

It does not interest me in what may have happened in your life.

I want to know what we can do to change it, what you need from me, what you want to give, what you want to share. I want to know when you talk to yourself what is your answer.

It doesn’t interest me the people from your past.

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand with me through good and bad times, as I will with you.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with who you have studied in life.

I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

It doesn’t interest me what all your friends say and do.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

I am not interested in appearances or what you wear.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not so pretty.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.

I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of future pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, then moving to fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes. Can you let my life touch you and yours mine.

DON’T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE

They say that time cannot be turned back but I want to tell you it can. My name is Cheryl and I am recovering from BPD. I made the biggest mistake in my life by abandoning (yes I abandoned him) the one person who loved and believed in the real me. Not only did I abandon him, I then set about destroying him, I told everyone I knew lies about him to cover my own inadequacies, I hurt him no end. I got straight into another relationship without dealing with my last and I continued on my merry way. I just kept denying that anything was wrong with me. To be honest I don’t know why but one day I just pulled the car over and started crying. For the first time in my life I admitted to myself that something was wrong. I cried for nearly an hour. I made an appointment to see my therapist and for the second time in my life I admitted there was something wrong with me. Therapy here in the US is very common place but this was a knew step for me. I started working on me. I learnt more about the disorder (not covered by insurance), how it affected me, how I affected others and that is when I realized I had lost the real true love of my life. As I progressed in therapy I became sadder because the one person who kept telling me this, who I wanted to share this with was long gone. The man who told me he would never leave, that he’d be there for me rain, hail, shine or illness and that he truly loved me. I wanted to fix what I had broken but I did not have the courage to contact him. What if he hangs up? What if he screamed at me? What if he said 'Never contact me again'. What if he said ‘No’? What if, what if, what if. With the help of my therapist I finally rung him and it was a most traumatic yet beautiful experience!

I am still in therapy working hard and enjoying the release of myself and I want you to know that my now husband supports me 100%. Yes, the man who said he would never leave me, never left and together we are making up for the lost years. Everything I loved about him is magnified two fold with the way I view life now. I LOVE LIFE. My love to you all.

Cheryl

WHERE ARE YOU SITTING IN THIS LIFE

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships.

Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention. Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you? The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

Do all you can to make sure you are happy with your show, because it ain't no dress rehearsal…...!

AND THEN YOU LEARN

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and giving your soul. You learn that leaning isn’t loving and your lover is not necessarily your saviour. You learn the difference between tender kisses and binding contracts, presents and promises, love and perceived love. You learn that the ‘law of the echo’ is false and that what you give out is not always what you’ll get back. Then again you’ll learn that when you give a little you’ll get a little. You find out that ‘love’ and ‘care’ are four letter words and that ‘needs’ and ‘wants’ are five letter words and that some people think fives are more important than fours. You learn that your grief is surmountable, that you can survive, that you are strong but only if ‘you’ want to be. You learn that hurt is not transferable from one relationship to another and that your new relationship is not to blame for your past. You learn that if they understand you then there is nothing that will stand in the way of their love for you. And you’ll learn that they did genuinely and unconditionally care for you. You may even learn that someone loved so deeply that they did for you what they didn’t do for themselves. That they hurt in their love for you because they truly loved you. Having total belief in a loved one is the ultimate. Hopefully you’ll never learn that what you once had and have now lost did once undeniably love you. To just stop loving that person and move on without closure is to stop living and start dying. If you want that love, fight for it, grab it by the throat and love them till it hurts you, then again to some to give up and run away is an acceptable excuse. You learn that love is full of many feelings and that love & hurt sometimes are one in the same. Understanding that the hurt in love is sometimes a difficult process but to run away is the easy option. But it is not always our mind and heart that deals with this combination, sometimes it is just what you think you need or lust at that point in time. Or worse, what others think you need. Unfortunately old man time is the judge and jury of this. You then learn that the sunshine in love occasionally burns. Time teaches you that you need to get burnt to gain an understanding of yourself, love and life. As long as you learn and change for the betterment of yourself. For without this sunshine you are just a pale shadow of ones real self. You learn that you really are you, that you need and deserve to held, cuddled, kissed, cared for and satisfied, and then you learn that this is all your partner needed as well. You learn that these needs can change without notice or reason and that you need to understand your love. You learn that life is too short to be living in the past and that memories, as good as they are, are the past. And that as you dwell over memories your life and love is passing you by, with the future becoming the present, becoming the past. Plans for the future sometimes have a tendency to change, for better or worse only time will tell. Or at worst you miss the memories between now and your future beginning because the love you were given went unseen. Too often we are caught up in our needs that we don’t see that it’s a two-way street. Allow that love to wrap itself around you so warmingly and never let you go. Let the love in and give back some of that love that is deep inside your heart. And then the dawn comes. As you awake you open the safe of your heart and most feel the joy of the special memories they have stored. Your memories will never cease to exist and they should bring such happiness. Yet some have stored hurtful memories and have them locked them in their hearts because they wouldn’t face them. To unlock their heart is painful therefore the key is thrown away and this is a shame. Unlock the safe, learn from the love and from the hurt. Don’t fill your heart with sadness, learn from it. Don’t store the hurt - face it, fight it, release it forever and start to accept the love that is being given to you. Unlock the safe and let yourself touch and be touched. If you love it, allow it to come close, don’t miss love because of the hurt you have stored in your heart. Don’t cloud the love on offer because of the hurt you haven’t faced. Face the past, deal with it so you can live your life, learn from it and grow. Love the life you make for yourself and allow yourself to not only be loved but to love as well. Allow others into your real life not just your existence.

And then you learn……………

~mjtacc~

HOLDING ON...

I so believe in you but you can’t believe that someone really cares for you.
I understand this feeling you have, let me love ‘my girl’.
I am trying to understand more about what is deep inside you
and I want to help, do you?
As time goes on your inner trouble tears me apart
disappointment builds within as I feel your pain,
and I know this inner pain is real,
I know this inner pain hurts deeply,
I know some of my reactions confuse you
But I know no other way to react to an unknown.
Help me to understand and support the inner you.
I want to hold your hands and feel the confusion
run through my fingers as it drains.
Tell me please what is it you really want
as I’d give you my heart and soul to know.
Just tell me what I can do to help
don’t go quiet or put on a show.
Hear what I am saying, touch my words
I love ‘my girl’ forever plus one day.
Let your fears be shared between us
for as we ‘spoon’ we are one at play.
There will be no abandonment,
no fear of being alone.
My heart belongs to you
it’s filled with passion and excitement, not stone.
You do not trust for fear of being hurt
that I understand and accept.
And I’ll work to your protected thoughts
as my love is of endless depth.
I am holding on as best I can
just tell me what you need.
Help me to hold on to you
accept my extended hand of love.
Come to me as I come to you
and meet me as I greet you.
Walk this way as I walk toward you
love me as I am loving you.

~mjtacc~

LOVE ME. SAVE ME

To the Non BPD in my life.

I know I love you. do you know it?
I love you in a way that is more powerful than you could believe.
I am never in doubt of my love for you...
I love you even in the darkest depths of rage and hatred, though I can not
feel it then.. I cant let you know this, even though I long to tell you..
If you knew it you might be able to hurt me.. again. and again.

I am afraid. such encompassing fear as you will never be able to know.
I am afraid that I will push you too far.
I fear for our lives. our love.
I am afraid of the pain and loneliness. yet I live each day with it.
I am afraid to trust you. yet I do...
If I trust you you could hurt me over and over...and you do.

When I hurt, I hurt worse than you could ever believe possible.
I want to die when I hurt.. I feel as if I am dying.
I want to die when I believe that you are the one hurting me...
I think you hate me... I know what I am.. I have seen it.
somewhere I know better.. somewhere there is love... but I cant feel it now...
I want to scream for you to love me... to hold me... to rescue me... but
I cant. I am afraid. If you heard that you might be able to hurt me...again.

Franticly I Rage at you, wanting you to hurt too.
you turn away... it is never enough... I always hurt more.
You don't see.. you cant see... what it is to be me.
I Hear what I say...my words a pale shadow against the emotions within me.
I want you to see I can hurt you too..... but.... it is never enough...
why aren't you crying?!
Maybe if you loved me more you would feel like I do,
your love is never enough.....I always love more..

Maybe I am not worthy of your love...
unworthy... unworthy...unworthy.... it echoes in my thoughts
I scream silently for help... hoping, wishing, praying, that it will be different
this time. HELP ME! SAVE ME! I LOVE YOU! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, LOVE ME!!!!
Crying because I cant say that, how badly I need to... I want to.....I cant
If you heard that you might be able to hurt me ..again.

Unworthy I am filled with hate...
I hate you for making me feel unwanted when I love you so much...
I hate you for not seeing how much I need you to save me...
I hate myself for being too afraid to say it out loud.
I hate you for not loving me enough to help me.
I hate you for not crying like I am.
I hate myself for the cutting things I say.
I hate you for loving me when I hate you.. because I can't feel love...
Right now. it all boils over...

I hurt.... I hate.. I fear......I want to die.

I lie alone on the floor sobbing.
hating myself for the monster within.
Hating myself for the things I've said..
Hating you for not rescuing me...
Hating the fact that I live...
I hurt ... I feel I am dying inside.
The pain kills me.. it is torture

I wonder why you couldn't just love me...save me..
Can't you see I'm a frightened child?
you turned away when I needed you...
how could you not see past the anger to the pain..
it hurts me... you didn't care to look...
you didn't want to help me....

I live and I hurt... and I hurt you..
I should die so I wont hurt like this.
I should die to free you from this hell.
You told me to go ahead... kill myself..
now I know my worth to you.
But I couldn't. you wouldn't do it.... I asked you to...
I tried but I couldn't... I love you too much..
I want to.. I want to die... but I love you.
I love you but you abandon me time after time.

You hate the scars on me... I try not to cut...,
But if I cant die how else to punish myself ?
I am unworthy... you want me dead.. I am unloved...
It has happened again... like I knew it would
such shame in this... such fear... I want to die.
the knife is so shiny... I can feel it.. I long for it..
the hot sting that will free me... I cant... I shouldn't...

the silent plea comes again..
weaker this time... help me.. love me... please..I'm so sorry...
but you cant hear that... you wouldn't believe it.. and I cant say it.
I want to... I am so alone and afraid...
Hurting and hating
I see the way you look at me...
you said to do it...
How could someone I love so much not love me too?
you wont save me.... I hurt.. you want me to die...
I am such a monster that you want me to die..
kill myself? it hurts so bad... I cant escape and I cant die..
Pain numbs pain...
Maybe Ill just bleed instead..

Then your arms shelter me, the storm is over...
you tenderly wipe the blood from me.
I sit limply.. heartbroken.. betrayed.. aching
Crying into your chest, long wracking sobs, wailing as if to wake the dead
your tears fall into my hair as you hold me..
loving me the best you know how... not understanding... afraid.
looking up into your eyes filled with fear myself..
I whisper... I'm sorry...
we cry and hold each other... both alone...and afraid.. but hoping this time
will be the last. knowing it wont be...
slowly you rock me.. I rock you... I wonder how you see me..
I am tired, drained, safe at last in your arms.
the tension leaves me and the memory of the past hour fades quickly...
leaving a headache and the echoing words...

Save me.....

HAVE YOU

Have you ever felt so sad,
that you don't know what to say?
Have you ever felt so sad,
that you wish your life away?

Have you ever tried to explain,
then found you couldn't speak?
Have you ever lived with pain,
when each minute last a week?

Well I have felt that sorrow,
and there's nothing I can do.
Each night I curse tomorrow,
as I curse my love for you.

I PUT THEM THERE

There are things in the corner of my mind.
I should know.
I put them there.
They are dangerous, happy, sad things.
I think.
I don't know
But I should.
I put them there.
They come out of their own bidding.
And they make the air heavy and dead.
That awful silence before a storm.
And they make the air raging and violent.
A hurricane of thundering emotions.
When the air is deadened I hurt myself. Maybe I am dead too?
The pain says I'm not.
When the air rages I hit walls.
Maybe someone will notice and shelter me from the storm?...
When the closet door is closed, I am scared.
Maybe it will open soon?
When the closet door is open, I am scared.
Maybe it will never shut?
There is a bottle of pills inside my stomach.
I should know.
I put them there.
I put them there to make me die.
That way I won't have to think.
About deadened silence.
And raging storms.
That's what I tell myself, anyway.
Maybe the true answer lies buried,
hidden there,
amongst the things,
In the closet of my mind.

~Anonymous~

LOVE IS MORE POWERFUL THAN HATE

Love is more powerful than hate
You will never be able to hate me more
than I love you
Love is more powerful than fear
When you are afraid, let me love you
Let me make you feel warm
Love is more powerful than loneliness
When you are lonely, open your heart
And you will feel me
Love is more powerful than emptiness
When you feel empty, open your heart
And let myself and my love in
The heart is more powerful than the mind
Think with your heart and together
we can love life fully
I gladly gave you my heart and when
I wasn’t there I left it with you
To protect, care and love you
You didn’t trust my intentions,
You didn’t believe in my love for you
So you gave it back.
You can destroy our relationship,
You can destroy your life and you can destroy me.
but you cannot destroy my love for you
Because it’s mine and mine alone to give
And I gave it freely,
unconditionally to you forever…………… plus one day.

~mjtacc~

If you would like to submit any of your thoughts or poems please feel free

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Revised August 2002