POEMS & LETTERS

PLEASE HEAR WHAT I'M NOT SAYING

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear.

For I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled. For God's sake, don't be fooled.

I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one. But don't believe me. My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask, ever varying and ever concealing.

Beneath lies no complacency, only lies, confusion, fear and aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only hope and I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love. It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this, I don't dare, I'm afraid to. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh and your laugh would kill me. I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good, and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say.

I don't like to hide. I don't like to play superficial phony games. I want to stop playing them. I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me, but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings! With your power to touch me into feeling, you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that.

I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator -- a honest-to-God creator -- of the person that is me, if you choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely prison, if you choose to. Please choose to. Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you.

A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back. It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man, often I am irrational. I fight against the very thing that I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls, and in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet, and I am every woman you meet.

~ A recovering BP ~

LETTING GO

To ‘Let go’ does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To ‘Let go’ is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I cannot control another.
To ‘Let go’ is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To ‘Let go’ is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To ‘Let go’ is not to care for but to care about.
To ‘Let go’ is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To ‘Let go’ is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to effect their destinies.
To ‘Let go’ is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.
To ‘Let go’ is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To ‘Let go’ is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To ‘Let go’ is to fear less and love more.

I forgave you your indiscretions
because not to
would have been so much harder.
I forgave you my pain
because I could not even begin
to contemplate the alternatives.
I had tangled myself up in you so utterly,
so completely,
that I lost track of where
you ended and I began.
And I had no idea how to begin
unravelling the fragile strands of my life
from the binding chains of yours.
I breathed your breath
and beat with your heart
and cried your tears
and looked for truth in your eyes
and found only an impenetrable emptiness.

Until I tripped over your lies
and fell into the arms of reality.

Slowly now,
carefully,
I rewind
the fragmented threads of my soul
into some semblance of normality.
And battle an emptiness of my own.
~Ashlee~

MY PUPPY DOG

Q: First a BP goes into complete rage, projects, escalating to saying 'good bye’. Next, the BP contacts their Non and apologizes or acts as if nothing ever happened. Now, how does the BP make their way back from step 3 to 4?

A: I think a couple of keywords here would be 'attachment' and 'denial.' Generally, untreated BPs are unable to function in relationships, largely because they are unable to accommodate others' thoughts, feelings, needs, and individual identity. However, that does not mean they don't feel attachments to others, because they do. I'm starting to conceive of BP attachment in metaphorical terms (as I conceive of nearly everything), and in this particular metaphor we have a little girl and a puppy.

Let's call her 'Linda.' Let's say little Linda is given total responsibility for taking care of a new puppy, who we'll call 'Brownie.' In that situation, Linda is set up ahead of time to fail at that task, because it is far beyond her developmental capabilities (she’s only 3). So of course she does fail in taking care of Brownie, and the parents/caretakers say, 'Since you didn't take care of the puppy, we're going to find a new home for it.' Even though she could not meet the responsibility of caring for the puppy, Linda's still not going to be happy or indifferent when the parents take it away, because she's very attached to it.

Let's take it a step further now, and let's say that the parents say, 'You're a BAD girl because you didn't take care of your puppy!' What kind of reaction do you think is going to happen? Well, one possibility is predicted by the cognitive dissonance theory, which says that our young friend will react by devaluing the puppy. [NOTE: You can think of cognitive dissonance as simple 'sour grapes,' and you won't be far wrong.] So she thinks, 'It was a BAD puppy anyway, and it SHOULDN'T have been taken care of. I did the right thing, and I'm a GOOD girl who just had a BAD puppy,' all said with lower lip protruding nearly to the floor. Can you see what's happening here? Our little friend is developing a whole system of rationalizations to protect her own fragile, budding self-esteem from that most horrendous of accusations: 'You're BAD!'

Now let's go still another step further and say that the parents give the puppy to a neighbor. One day Linda happens to go over to that neighbor's house to play, and of course she sees her former puppy.

How's she going to feel? Well, her first reaction will probably be that her little heart will leap with joy on seeing her furry little friend again. Immediately, though, she will be hit with that awful dilemma - if she allows herself to feel love for the puppy, she'll be unavoidably faced with her 'failure' and resultant 'bad self.' So, she'll be torn between enjoying the attachment she still has for Brownie on the one hand, and on the other hand she'll want to deny that she ever had any feelings for this 'bad puppy' who never would co-operate with her because it kept having ALL these horrendous needs to be fed, held, petted, taken outside, etc. Now given that same choice of feeling joy over an attachment and consequently feeling terrible self-accusations, versus detaching and preserving one's sense of self-worth, what would ANYBODY do? Why, given the choice, they would detach, of course. Or rather, pretend to detach, because the feelings of attachment are really still there.

What there really is a substitute for detachment, and we call it 'denial.' However: if any circumstances allow Linda to feel the attachment and yet still save face - she's going to make a beeline for Brownie and love it like only a little innocent 3 year old can love a puppy. Does that help give you a picture of what happens when a BP goes from step 3 to step 4 in your sequence? At that point in a relationship, things are delicately balanced on a see-saw, and attachment is on one side and saving face is on the other. Many things can tip the scale in either direction, and I'd say it is more that combination of wildcard factors in the outer environment that play the biggest role in determining which way the see-saw will tip - attachment or saving face.

~author unknown~

DYSFUNCTIONAL VERSUS FUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS

D - Our relationship is Closed, I take you hostage and want you all to myself. I resent friends, family, even children receiving your time or attention.

F - Our relationship is open, I encourage your growth and welcome any meaningful relationships which promote your growth.

D - I have difficulty tolerating any separateness from you, I feel anxious, depressed and ignored when I am away form you.

F - I cherish my private time and space, and willing allow the same for you.

D - I engage in 'one-upmanship' games, I vie for control and I cannot let you know how much I need you.

F - Ours is a mutual give and take relationship in which neither of us feels superior or inferior. I honor your unique talents and abilities as well as my own.

D - I only let you know what I think it's safe for you to know about me. I manage your impressions of me and seek to control your thoughts.

F - I am willing to risk being honest with you about who I am and what I feel.

D - I need constant reassurance and proof from you that you love me and approve of me.

F - I know I am a valuable and lovable person. I am secure in my identity.

D - I must have an Absolute, Unwavering Promise from you that you will NEVER leave me, even in Death.

F - We have a mutual commitment to each other, and remain flexible in accepting each others humanness and fallibility and mortality.

D - As long as I have you I am OK. I need you to make my life worth living.

F - Our time together is special to me but I am OK without you. My life is enhanced by your being in it.

D - I insist you NEED me, more than I need you as security against abandonment.

F - I encourage our independence and participate equally in our interdependence.

D - I am frightened by your anger or criticism and will dishonesty maneuver to avoid these, or will 'steam roller', or work at making you feel extremely guilty.

F - Your feelings are important to me, I am willing to listen and give honest consideration to whatever is bothering you.

D - Our relationship is 'blown apart by every wind' and I obsess about you/me leaving.

F - My commitment to you is strong and seldom questioned, no matter what my feelings are at the moment.

D - My shaky self-image desperately demands that I be right, think right, feel right, look right, and do right at all times...and since I don't know where I END AND YOU BEGIN, I demand the same from you.

F - I am able to relax and flow with Life most of the time, to strive for 'progress rather than perfection'...I am well aware that we are separate and distinct individuals...and I know and accept that we are each responsible for our choices.

D - I expect you to love me, defend me, and be unswervingly loyal to me, no matter what I do.

F - I expect us to treat each other with mutual respect and caring. I know that neither of us will tolerate abusive behavior or violation of our values or boundaries.

D - Without you, I am NOTHING. You are the Be-All-End-All of my existence.

F - I know that no human power can make or break my existence. I look for comfort and guidance from a power greater than either of us.

AFTER A WHILE YOU LEARN

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and giving your soul. You learn that leaning isn’t loving and your lover is not necessarily your protector nor therapist. You learn the difference between tender kisses and binding contracts, presents and promises, love and perceived love. You learn that the ‘law of the echo’ is false and that what you give out is not always what you’ll get back. Then again you’ll learn that when you give a little you’ll get a little. You find out that ‘love’ and ‘care’ are four letter words and that ‘needs’ and ‘wants’ are five letter words and that some people think fives are more important than fours. You learn that your grief is surmountable, that you can survive, that you are strong but only if ‘you’ want to be. You learn that hurt is not transferable from one relationship to another and that your new relationship is not to blame for your past. You learn that if they understand you then there is nothing that will stand in the way of their love for you. And you’ll learn that they did genuinely and unconditionally care for you. You may even learn that someone loved so deeply that they did for you what they didn’t do for themselves. That they hurt in their love for you because they truly loved you.

Having total belief in a loved one is the ultimate. Hopefully you’ll never learn that what you once had, and have now lost did undeniably love you. To just stop loving that person and move on without closure is to stop living and start dying. If you want that love, fight for it, grab it by the throat and love them till it hurts you, then again to some to give up and run away is an acceptable excuse. You learn that love is full of many feelings and that love & hurt sometimes are one in the same. Understanding that the hurt in love is sometimes a difficult process but to run away is the easy option. But it is not always our mind and heart that deals with this combination, sometimes it is just what you think you need or lust at that point in time. Or worse, what others think you need. Unfortunately old man time is the judge and jury of this. You then learn that the sunshine in love occasionally burns. Time teaches you that you need to get burnt to gain an understanding of yourself, love and life. As long as you learn and change for the betterment of yourself. For without this sunshine you are just a pale shadow of ones real self. You learn that you really are you, that you need and deserve to held, cuddled, kissed, cared for and satisfied, and then you learn that this is all your partner needed as well. You learn that these needs can change without notice or reason and that you need to understand your love. You learn that life is too short to be living in the past and that memories, as good as they are, are the past. And that as you dwell over memories your life and love is passing you by, with the future becoming the present, becoming the past.

Plans for the future sometimes have a tendency to change, for better or worse only time will tell. Or at worst you miss the memories between now and your future beginning because the love you were given went unseen. Too often we are caught up in our needs that we don’t see that it’s a two-way street. Allow that love to wrap itself around you so warmingly and never let you go. Let the love in and give back some of that love that is deep inside your heart. And then the dawn comes. As you awake you open the safe of your heart and most feel the joy of the special memories they have stored. Your memories will never cease to exist and they should bring such happiness. Yet some have stored hurtful memories and have them locked them in their hearts because they wouldn’t face them. To unlock their heart is painful therefore the key is thrown away and this is a shame. Unlock the safe, learn from the love and from the hurt. Don’t fill your heart with sadness, learn from it. Don’t store the hurt - face it, fight it, release it forever and start to accept the love that is being given to you. Unlock the safe and let yourself touch and be touched. If you love it, allow it to come close, don’t miss love because of the hurt you have stored in your heart. Don’t cloud the love on offer because of the hurt you haven’t faced. Face the past, deal with so you can live your life, learn from it. Love the life you make for yourself and allow yourself to be loved and to love. Allow others into your life not just your existence.

And then you learn……………

~mjtacc~

HOLDING ON

I so believe in you but you can’t believe that someone really cares for you.
I understand this feeling you have, let me love ‘my girl’.
I am trying to understand more about what is deep inside you
and I want to help, do you?
As time goes on your trouble tears me apart
Disappointment builds within as I feel your pain
I want to hold your hands and feel the confusion
run through my fingers as it drains.
Tell me please what is it you want
I’ll give you my heart and soul to know
Just tell me what I can do to help
Don’t go quiet or put on a show.
Hear what I am saying, touch my words
I love ‘my girl’ forever plus one day
Let your fears be shared between us
For as we ‘spoon’ we are one at play.
There will be no abandonment,
No fear of being alone
My heart belongs to you ‘my girl’
It’s filled with passion not stone.
You do not trust for fear of being hurt
That I understand and accept
And I’ll work to your protected thoughts
As my love is of endless depth
Just tell me what you need
I am holding on as best I can
Help me to hold on to you
Please accept my extended hand.
Come to me as I come to you
meet me as I greet you
walk this way as I walk toward you
love me as I am loving you

~mjtacc~

THE BPD BASKET

Thought I’d share an observation I’ve made over the past year of being here.

Discovering BPD is an eye-opening experience. Suddenly there are lightbulbs turning on all over the place! It is very comforting to have an answer and one that so profoundly means that we are not crazy and we are not totally at fault for everything that has happened.

BPD is the answer to so many questions we have all had in our heads.

Unfortunately one of the things I’ve seen is that for some "nons"~ BPD becomes the only answer. It answers questions it was never intended to and then there is a tendency to dump everything into "The BPD Basket". The danger with that if one doesn’t keep an eye on that tendency; suddenly the responsibility for the relationship; good, bad and indifferent is placed on the BPD and the "non" is absolved of their responsibility for their share.

This is not only unfair to the BP in our lives; it can get in the way of their willingness to even see and be willing to look into it (who would want to try to work on it- they are suddenly carrying the weight of the world- everything is their responsibility)

It is also unfair to the "non" in that they don’t see their own part of the dance and they don’t take responsibility for it and they don’t grow and learn about themselves either.

What I see sometimes is that every argument, every cross word, every dysfunctional communication, every crossed wire and every mood is viewed as a "BPD Moment". This is not to minimize those encounters where there is real BPD behavior in action and it’s downright ugly. I’m talking about those times when what is happening is simply "Life in Action".

We all have some dysfunctional relating habits and communication barriers. We should be teaching children relating and effective communication skills in school and we should be doing it at home. They teach us how to read and write but they don’t teach us how to form that into a cohesive whole of "effective communication". (Personally I think they should have a "Life" course from kindergarten through high school every semester, every year but that’s another soapbox moment) We have thousands of books written on the topic of communication and they even have it broken down into men/women, mother/daughter, stepchild/stepchild styles and there is a reason why. We suck at it! There are so many communication glitches in every type of relationship and THAT is simply life.

We as "nons" for whatever reason it may be, have our own communication and relating "issues" and styles. Yes, being involved with someone with BPD may have amplified them or added to them or skewed them, but they are still ours to begin with. Marriages and friendships and family relationships have troubles every day with nary a personality disorder in sight.

Sometimes when there is an argument, it’s JUST an argument. Sometimes a mood is just a mood- we have them too- don’t we? I know I do. And sometimes I’m in a really bad mood. Sometimes there is simply a miscommunication. And aren’t there times when you want to have things YOUR WAY? I know I do. And I’ve been told by my daughter that I have "looks" that "could stop a truck". Human nature.

If you stop to think about actually how much of the interactions that are confusing or negative with a BP and you took out what is really just "life in action" how much is really left? Only each person in each situation can say that based on their life. But each person has to assess the situation realistically too; making sure to include those "life moments". For those staying a relationship with someone with BPD who is one who isn’t totally "out there": What if they looked at it this way daily? What if we all looked at what happens and say "What just happened? Was that a "life moment" or a "BP moment", maybe it wouldn’t seem like such a hill to climb for either one. And it would be much more equitable. We might be able to say-in a more balanced fashion; "Hey, I totally screwed that situation up".

I’m talking here about those folks with BPD who aren’t what I consider "Full Blown". My ex was and still is a very troubled person. He’s one of the BP’s out there who I have little respect and no patience for. He takes advantage of people and is downright nasty. And he's in total denial and probably will be until he dies. His problem. I’ve called him "The Master" because he is "out there". What I’ve found is that most BP’s are not like him. Troubled yes, but not to this degree and most know that something is wrong.

When we can start to look at things from what is our own responsibility and what is theirs and what is simply "life in action", the gap closes. And maybe it closes in some cases enough for there to be healing. If we can stop throwing it all into the "BPD Basket" and look at each situation as it is, we may learn more about ourselves as well.

Okay, someone get me off this soapbox!

Surf~

I always knew you were one very observant person, Surf!! Thank you!

I did exactly what you described when I first heard my husband's diagnosis. Everywhere I looked I thought, "Ah, this is bp", and I found myself thinking, "I KNEW he was the problem and not me." I thought I could sit back while they fixed him and wait for the results.

To realize that our SO has a personality disorder, and everything the disorder encompasses, does make us nons initially feel a sense of relief. We realize we are not crazy as our bps might suggest, and we learn that we are not alone. It is very comforting. As you said, Surf, it does answer SO many questions. But for many of us, there are a few questions left unanswered.

Most of us were/are in a love relationship with an emotionally troubled person. We may feel we were naïve, conned, or otherwise deceived, and maybe we were…..in the beginning. But we reached a point where we knew there was a problem. Then we stayed too long, or maybe we sacrificed too much of ourselves for the sake of the relationship. But that was OUR choice, and in my opinion, it is to not fair to blame the decisions we made on our bps.

There are two vital questions I feel we should ask ourselves - "WHY did I choose this partner to begin with?" and "WHY did I choose to stay after I recognized a problem?" These may be the toughest questions of all – the ones we desperately want to run from. The answers often require us to start looking inward at ourselves and facing some realities about our own issues.

A powerful step towards healing happens when we recognize that we gave ownership of our feelings and emotional well-being away, and put this ownership in the hands of someone not emotionally strong enough themselves to possess them. In exchange, many of us took responsibility for our bp’s problems. If we recognize that we gave away something we never should have, and recognize that we accepted responsibility for something we truly didn’t have the power to control, it becomes easier to understand why we feel so much pain and discouragement. We were trying to help the wrong person.

When we give back to our bps the things that rightfully belong to them, and take back responsibility for our own well-being, we enter the driver’s seat of change. I’m not referring to change that demands that our bp changes. It’s change that says we will take ownership of one of the few things in life we are free to have total control over………ourselves and our own well-being.

Tammy

A BP COMMENTS ON LYING

I think I've managed to put the lies I've told into 3 nice, neat categories. Intentional lies, testing lies, and perceived truths.

Intentional lies are lies that a person KNOWS is not true. Three main reasons I see for this type of lie is when you've been caught doing something you shouldn't, or as a defense mechanism, or because you can. People who lie because they can tend to be pathological liars, in my personal experience, kinda like kleptomaniacs of truth. Eww, bad analogy...

Testing lies are lies that the BPD tells to test who is being lied to for either truth or how far they can be pushed. For example, when testing for truth, the lie is generally something that COULD be true or false, but the BPD for some reason just doesn't want to ask, 'Hey, I heard/noticed X and Y, is this true/something to be worried about?' Instead, they'll say, 'Hey! You did X and Y!' and see how the non reacts.

Perceived truths are lies that, for example, if a BPD were hooked up to a lie detector test, and they repeated the lie, the machine would not detect it because the BPD honestly believes that the lie is *true*. (This one I am 99% sure of, actually). You know how a BPD will draw you into Oz? Well, BPD's live in Oz. That IS their reality. This type of lying, at least for me, tends to be a result of misinformation or mistaken information- that is, someone tells them something that isn't true, or someone gives them information they don't fully understand. The reason BPD's are so adamant about it, I think, is because of their Oz. I feel that we tend to grab a hold of a concept and *latch on for dear life.* In a BPD's mind, so much is unstable that any hard fact, be it true to everyone else or not, is like a life preserver, it creates a constant in their mind. This can also lead to both intentional and testing lying if this perceived truth is proven wrong, to protect the perceived truth.

LOVE IS MORE POWERFUL THAN HATE

Love is more powerful than hate
You will never be able to hate me more
than I love you
Love is more powerful than fear
When you are afraid, let me love you
Let me make you feel warm
Love is more powerful than loneliness
When you are lonely, open your heart
And you will feel me
Love is more powerful than emptiness
When you feel empty, open your heart
And let myself and my love in
The heart is more powerful than the mind
Think with your heart and together
we can love life fully
I gladly gave you my heart and when
I wasn’t there I left it with you
To protect, care and love you
You didn’t trust my intentions,
You didn’t believe in my love for you
So you gave it back.
You can destroy our relationship,
You can destroy your life and you can destroy me.
but you cannot destroy my love for you
Because it’s mine, mine alone to give
And I gave it freely,
unconditionally to you forever…………… plus one day.

~mjtacc~

Ol’ Yeller

Most of us have some recollection of this Walt Disney classic movie. The story itself has a fine lesson even today for those of us willing to learn from it.

Let me summarize the story to refresh your memory.

Boy met dog.
Boy loved dog.
Dog had looks, charm, and seemed to expand the boy's world.
Dog got sick when bitten by an animal with rabies.
The bite was not the boy's fault.
The boy wanted the dog to get healthy.
Boy got really caught up in the health of the dog.
Boy wanted the dog to be cured by God.
Dog got sicker and meaner and meaner, turning at times on the boy.
God did not cure the dog.
Boy had to walk away and have the dog shot.
Shoot the dog boy, shoot the dog and save your own life.
For to stay with the ailing dog would be to choose death for yourself boy.
Boy had to make a very hard choice.
To let the dog die or let himself die.
The dog died.
The boy lived.

The cold hard lesson for most of us at some point is that no matter how much we love the dog (that beautiful golden retriever as a partner) and how desperately we pray to the Higher Power, we will die if we stay with Ol' Yeller.

We will die spiritually, emotionally and physically if we stay. It is a fact of life. The sooner we come out of denial then the less the peril that we will die first. The sooner we thank God for allowing us to let go and start our lives over again, the more we will be able to accept the wisdom of the Higher Power. You may not have to shoot Ol' Yeller, but the choice to walk away and live is still just as dramatic as a choice to confirm that you want to live again.

Read the summary of the story again. Take heart that you did not cause Ol' Yeller's sickness, you cannot control it nor can you cure it. It is beyond your control. But choosing life for yourself and for others you love is exactly within your control!

~Tatlow~

THE BRIDGE - A METAPHOR

There was a man who had given much thought to what he wanted from life. He had experienced many moods and trials. He had experimented with different ways of living, and he had had his share of both success and failure. At last, he had begun to see clearly where he wanted to go.

Diligently, he searched for the right opportunity. Sometimes he came close, only to be pushed away. Often the applied all of his strength and imagination, only to find the path hopelessly blocked. And then at last it came! But the opportunity would not wait. It would be made available only for a short time. If it were seen that he was not committed, the opportunity would not come again.

Eager to arrive, he started on his journey. With each step, he wanted to move faster; with each thought about his goal, his heart beat quicker; with each vision of what lay ahead, he found renewed vigor. Strength that had left it since his early youth returned, and desires, all kinds of desires, reawakened from their long-dormant positions.

Hurrying along, he came upon a bridge that crossed through the middle of a town. It had been built high above a river in order to protect it from the floods of spring.

He started across. Then he noticed someone coming from the opposite direction. As they moved closer, it seemed as though the other was coming to greet him. He could clearly see, however, that he did not know this other, who was dressed similarly except for something tied around his waist.

When they were within hailing distance, he could see that what the other had about his waist was a rope. It was wrapped around him many times and probably, if extended, would reach a length of 30 feet.

The other began to uncurl the rope, and, just as they were coming close, the stranger said, "Pardon me, would you be so kind as to hold the end a moment?"

Surprised by this politely phrased but curious request, he agreed without a thought, reached out, and took it.

"Thank you," said the other, who then added, "two hands now, and remember, hold tight." Whereupon, the other jumped off the bridge.

Quickly, the free-falling body hurtled the distance of the rope's length, and from the bridge, the man abruptly felt the pull. Instinctively, he held tight and was almost dragged over the side. He managed to brace himself against the edge, however, and after having caught his breath looked down at the other dangling, close to oblivion.

"What are you trying to do?" he yelled. "Just hold tight," said the other "This is ridiculous," the man thought and began trying to haul the other in. He could not get the leverage, however. It was as though the weight of the other person and the length of the rope had been carefully calculated in advance so that together they created a counterweight just beyond his strength to bring the other back to safety.

"Why did you do this?" the man called out. "Remember," said the other, "if you let go, I will be lost." "But I cannot pull you up," the man cried. "I am your responsibility," said the other. "Well, I did not ask for it," the man said. "If you let go, I am lost," repeated the other. He began to look around for help. But there was no one. How long would he have to wait? Why did this happen to befall him now, just as he was on the verge of true success? He examined the side, searching for a place to tie the rope. Some protrusion, perhaps, or maybe a hole in the boards. But the railing was unusually uniform in shape; there were no spaces between the boards. There was no way to get rid of this newfound burden, even temporarily.

What do you want?" he asked the other hanging below. "Just your help," the other answered. "How can I help? I cannot pull you in, and there is no place to tie the rope so that I can go and find someone to help me help you." "I know that. Just hang on; that will be enough. Tie the rope around your waist; it will be easier."

Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied the rope around his waist. "Why did you do this?" he asked again. "Don't you see what you have done? What possible purpose could you have in mind?" "Just remember," said the other, "my life is in your hands."

What should he do? "If I let go, all my life I will know that I let this other die. If I stay, I risk losing my momentum toward my own long-sought-after salvation. Either way, this will haunt me forever." With ironic humor he thought to die himself, instantly, to jump off the bridge while he was still holding on. "That would teach this fool." But he wanted to live and live fully. "What a choice I have to make; How shall I ever decide?"

As time went by, still no one came. The critical moment of decision was drawing near. To show his commitment to his own goals, he would have to continue on his journey now. It was already almost too late to arrive in time. But what a terrible choice to have to make!

A new thought occurred to him. While he could not pull this other up solely by his own efforts, if the other would shorten the rope from his end by curling it around his waist again and again, together, they could do it! Actually, the other could do it by himself, so long as he, standing on the bridge, kept it still and steady.

"Now listen," he shouted down. "I think I know how to save you." And he explained his plan. But the other wasn't interested. "You mean you won't help? But I told you I cannot pull you up myself, and I don't think I can hang on much longer either." "You must try," the other shouted back in tears. "If you fail, I die!"

The point of decision had arrived. What should he do? "My life or this other's?" And then a new idea. A revelation. So new, in fact, it seemed heretical, so alien was it to his traditional way of thinking.

"I want you to listen carefully," he said, "because I mean what I am about to say. I will not accept the position of choice for your life, only for my own; the position of choice for your own life I hereby give back to you."

"What do you mean?" the other asked, afraid. "I mean, simply, it's up to you. You decide which way this ends. I will become the counterweight. You do the pulling and bring yourself up. I will even tug a little from here." He began unwinding the rope from around his waist and braced himself anew against the side.

"You cannot mean what you say!" the other shrieked. "You would not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me!"

He waited a moment. There was no change in the tension of the rope.

"I accept your choice," he said, at last, and freed his hands.

EdwinH.Friedman - From the book "Friedman's Fables"

A LETTER TO HER BP

I would give anything to have a real conversation with you, without the extra 'background noise' meant to throw you or me off. I would give anything for you to be able to talk to me about how all of this feels for you. For YOU to tell me that you are scared of being abandoned or that you feel angry at everything without a clear understanding of why and that it's not me you are angry with. That you go from loving to hating me for reasons you cannot explain and have nothing to do with me. I wish that I could have a conversation with you about how you want me close but then you feel you need to push me away and then want me close again. I want to be able to hear you say that no matter how much I've shown you that I love you, it is still impossible for you to believe for reasons that have nothing to do with me. I want to hear in your words how you hate to be alone and how it causes you to be impulsive and do things which are harmful and that you are always wishing someone would just rescue you from this pain you are in every day. I wish you could talk to me about how empty you feel and how the rage in you rises and you lash out at me in hatred because you cannot control it and then you feel shame which causes you more anger and that it isn't me causing those things in you. I wish that I could have one very long conversation where all of this spills out instead of it coming out in snippets over time only to be denied later. But in order for you to be able to have that conversation, you would have to trust me. And you trust no one. Nothing I did along the way created that trust for any length of time and I now know that nothing could. If you could have a conversation with me like this, I would then know that I touched you in some way. That the barriers were removed if only for a little while and you felt loved during that while and you did love me.

I would give anything to be able to reach you. I know that I can't. And it isn't because I am not capable of reaching another. It's because you also cannot reach you. And until you can reach you, no one else ever will. Try, yes, many will try because it isn't hard to see that under the facade is an amazing person. So they try. And try some more. And the more they try, the more you protect. And you protect with such a vengeance. That protective vengeance is a lashing out like a tiger- a fierce raging roar and deep cutting claws. In an effort to protect that which you cannot give out because you do not know what it is yourself. Yet, they still try. They think 'I must be able to do something here, he needs love, belief, compassion and understanding and he will be well with himself' That is what 'they' were taught. 'Love conquers all, heals all' Not all. But they don't know that so they keep trying. And they face the raging roar time and again and are lashed by the claws leaving deep wounds and scars from previous attempts to love. They are tenacious in their attempts to show him that he is loved and he is protected and safe. Their wounds become deep and they, who have tried so hard, become tired and then angry and begin to lash out with their own roar and their own claws because they begin to realize that what they were taught to be loving and believing in another does not work and their attempts have been futile and unbeknownst to them, caused more protecting. And they realize that what they have left of 'them' are the scars. The 'lover' and 'believer' who was so steadfast is now truly alone in love and belief and is left with very little of themselves but the scars. They have been defeated. And their beliefs in what they were taught about love and loyalty and compassion have been defeated. They were warriors for what they believed to be a natural and noble cause and they were defeated. They were defeated because what they were fighting was mighty and deep-seated and stronger than love---survival.

So the warriors, weary and worn, begin their search for answers to the questions about their defeats. They begin to heal the open wounds and as the scars begin to fade, they decide whether to face the tiger again. They are plagued by guilt over what they perceive to be a lack of loving weaponry and their belief systems are shaken because of a missing piece about the mighty tiger that no one knew to tell them. They knew not that 'love does NOT conquer all, does NOT heal all' unless there is love already in place where it is being sent. And although they are tattered and torn, they feel guilty for leaving him, still fighting, still protecting. But as time goes on they realize that even a group of warriors cannot fight the tiger alone.

I wish.... Concentrating on 'I wish or 'if only' ... assumes that we have the power of some positive affectation on the situation with simply a different choice at any given moment. The awful truth is: we don't have that power. The only person that can affect change for the better in that person's life is them. The only thing that we can be assured to have a major, positive affect on is our own life.

~Surf~

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